Oning

Its difficult to love someone when you don't know how to love. I wish I knew how. Ever since my very first relationship, which lasted four years ended about four or five years ago, I find myself always having the following relationships end in a very short period of time. It seems like I'm not capable of loving fully and openly like I once did. Having my heart broken badly on my first relationship probably made me the person I am today. I get very jealous. I think I've become an insecure person. I've become a very selfish and childish.

In my recent relationship, I have hurt her in so many ways. Not a day goes by that we don't have fights. Of course being the self centered and jealous and selfish and insecure person I am, I'd always start the fights with her, even though it wasn't my intention. Is it a "trust" issue? Maybe it is.... Maybe thats part of what kind of a person I am today....

I wish I could turn back time when I knew how to love someone. I wish I could get back that feeling of loving unconditionally. I wish I could love someone with out hurting her. I'm not blaming all this on my first relationship that broke my heart but instead putting the blame on myself for becoming who I am and what I've become. I guess I chose to be like this. I chose to be defensive, jealous, selfish and insecure. I have to change myself before its too late and end up with no one and be lonely for the rest of my life....
I wish I knew how....
I wish I knew how to get myself back on track...
I wish I know how to love again...

For the person who I hurt so deeply, I'm very sorry...